“The Iliad” Books 14–17 Entry
Ight so boom….
This was the saddest(and funniest) thing I’ve ever read.
Let’s begin with the funny parts. Starring my good sis Hera of course.
Firstly, the Achaeans are getting beat worse than Howard’s football team right now. Yeah I said it, like seriously? Our record is really 0–3 right now though?! I thought my high school football team was bad but I guess I gassed Howard up too much.
Back to the Queen of Petty(and the gods) though, I loved her plan. It was so well thought out and executed that I literally stood out of my chair and gave her a standing ovation for it.
First, in order to make this plan a true aristeia, she needed to be activated first. Lucky for her, she was already activated by her constant hatred towards the Trojan army. She already tried to take it out on them herself which clearly failed so she had to step up to the big boy, Zeus.
The only issue is that she couldn’t just walk up to Zeus and pimp slap him (although I really wish she did) like this.
She had to truly play out her version of an aristeia which involved nothing but sex and pure tricks. Starting with her first “opponent”, Aphrodite.
She needed Aphrodite’s love powers in order to be able to truly make Zeus loopy so she tricked her into given her something special. That pattern-pierced zone (aka Lingerie) carrying beguilements, loveliness, passion of sex, AND whispered endearment was so powerful that it seduced the literal ruler of the Gods and mortal universe.
Although this powerful tool is cool, I’m so mad at Aphrodite for giving it to her. I’m just amazed at the fact that this airhead(or blonde sterotype) of a goddess really believed Hera’s weak lie like girllll, do you not know how much this woman hates you? She literally wanted you dead and you just keep giving her what she wants. I don’t know if it’s just how naive she is or the fact that’s she’s loyal (maybe plotting too) but either way, she’s an idiot for falling for and playing a part in Hera’s foolishness.
With this breastplate tucked in her bosom, she officially completed her arming scene as she already had her hair curled, ambrosia olive oil all over her body, and a robe made by Athena covering her up.
After this easy victory, she headed on to her second opponent who was a little more difficult to beat without the classic act of bribery.
Sleep.
He played a vital role in Hera’s plan as he was the one who would keep Zeus out of the way. The only problem is that he initially didn’t want to play a role. He was still resentful towards Hera because last time he dealt with her, he got into HUGE trouble with Zeus and may have even gotten beat up.
Luckily, Hera has charm that always works in her favor, considering that she’s a spoiled brat who doesn’t know what the word “no” means. I’m the same exact way with my grandfather considering that I’m his favorite grandchild whom he can never truly say “no” to. Yeah, my sisters/cousins hate me for it but I could care less *shrugs shoulders*
She decided to offer him a beautiful, golden throne with a nice footrest for his messed up leg. He surprisingly didn’t accept this offer since he still doesn’t trust her after the last time he got involved in her foolishness.
She then decided to give him what he truly wanted, a wife (specifically Pasithea). He had been eyeing this daughter of Hera for a while and was so excited about this offer that he made her swear the marriage on Styx’s water. This promise on the river’s water is just a translation of what we say back home when it comes to promises: “Word to who?” As she of course did this, she then moved on to her final and most important opponent.
Zeus.
This “match” between the two of them was my favorite part as she did something that I myself did to get my boyfriend, get cute and pretend he’s not there. As she walked past and acted as if she was busy, while looking like a snack, he became so hypnotized that he had a flashback to the first time the two of them slept with each other.
That flashback made him say in my version “nah, come lay down” and give a priamel. As he listed off all of the women he slept with and the heroes they bore, he also made me roll my eyes so hard that I thought they would become permanently stuck.
I personally thought that was gross and a huge turn-off like dude… If a girl puts in a ton of effort to get all cute to seduce you, I promise you that she doesn’t want to hear about all of the people you cheated on her with. Homeboy would’ve got slapped for that if he ever would’ve said that to me.
Back to the point, they slept together in such a beautiful way that a golden cloud with dew formed.
Once he was knocked out like a light (thanks to the help of Sleep), Hera gave Poseidon the go-ahead to turn the war back to the favor of the Achaeans.
Poseidon then lets the army go and beat up the Trojans. It got so crazy on that battlefield that Hector had to be carried back to Troy since Great Ajax knocked him down with a bolder.
It gets real interesting once Zeus wakes up from his night of fun and sleep. As he sees the mess that Hera (and Poseidon) made, Hera’s weak self (she’s an opp) decided to put all of the blame on Poseidon. SNITCH!!!!!! Zeus then surprises both the readers and Hera by revealing his boule.
He’s still going to help the Trojans but they’re still fated to lose once Patroclus is dead.
This leads me into the sad part (I literally cried).
Patroclus decided to take Nestor’s advice and ask Achilles to use him armor and go into the battle. Achilles stupidly agrees to this as he’s under the impression that Patroclus is going into the battle to get the Achaean ships back.
Patroclus then gets his aristeia started by going out on the battlefield and slaughtering many Trojans, including Sarpedon (this pissed Zeus off). Although he was warned not to do this as Achilles told him to only defend the Greek ships, like all the guys in this poem, he didn’t listen. He pushed the Trojans all the way back to the gates of Troy which is exactly what led to his death.
Then came Apollo.
In order to help fulfill the prophecy of Patroclus’ death, he injured him from behind and allowed Hector to finish him off. In his dying words, he then foreshadowed the death of Hector since Achilles is going to as I call it (excuse my french) “flip his shit.”
I personally feel that Nestor should be held responsible for his death as well as Patroclus as he’s the one who put the idea in his head that he should go to Achilles and join the battle. If he would’ve never gassed him up, he would still be alive and Achilles would’ve been calm.
It’s also Achilles’ fault as he should have known how his friend is. Patroclus used the argument that Achilles’ armor would make all of the Trojans fear him so that should’ve made a lightbulb switch on in Achilles’ head. He should have realized that he was gonna start feeling himself once he saw how “powerful” he seemed to all the other warriors. Unfortunately, he was still crying over a girl who probably didn’t even want him and allowed his friend to walk right into his own death trap.
A recurring problem I’m noticing is not listening/late learning. Everyone, I’m speaking about the men, is so stubborn that they just go do things without thinking and suffer the consequences.
Silly boys. And yet, they’re “better” than the women.
Men in The Iliad are compared to women in a negative way. An example of this would be Agamemnon in book 11. When he got hurt, his pain was compared to a “woman in labour.” There have also been other moments where the women seem to be pretty girls with no brains. Aka Helen.
She’s the most beautiful woman in the world and yet she’s too busy using her brain to decide on which man she really wants. The only women with sense in this story are the goddesses but even they do stupid things out of spite.
Comparing heroes to women has a negative affect as it makes them sounds as if they’re weak or airheads. I hate this because I’m a big advocate for women’s rights and having men compared to weak stereotypical women attributes is just disgusting to me.
Unlike the men, the women are actually right in this poem as they stop to think instead of just taking a leap of courage and getting themselves hurt or even killed. The men would actually have saved themselves if they had actually acted like a REAL woman and thought things through.
There are also instances where the comparison to women is great as it appeals to strength. Heroes such as Achilles and Agamemnon are compared to mother as they are fairly protecting of their “children” or comrades. Despite this philotes, they are still guys at the end of the day who have plenty of faults.
Stubbornness in these guys seems to be the trend so let’s see who’s gonna die next…
